What to Write in a Funny Birthday Card

You found the perfect card. You have a pen. And now you are staring at a blank space with no idea what to write. We have all been there, usually in the car outside the party.

Here are funny birthday messages you can copy, tweak or use as a starting point. Short wins. Nobody reads a novel in a birthday card.

For your best friend

• Happy birthday to the only person who knows enough to ruin my life. Thanks for not doing it.
• Another year of you being my emergency contact. Please stay alive.
• I would help you hide a body, but only on your birthday. Today is your lucky day.
• You are not getting older, you are getting more expensive to take out.
• Happy birthday. I’m still not telling anyone what happened that one time.

For your partner

• Happy birthday to my favorite person to annoy.
• Your gift is me. Again. You’re welcome.
• Still hot. Still mine. Still eating your fries.
• I love you more than I love sleeping in, and that is saying something.

For a coworker

• Happy birthday to my favorite reason to tolerate Mondays.
• Cake in the break room means you are legally a hero today.
• Another year closer to retirement. Hang in there.
• Thank you for being the only person who laughs at my jokes in meetings.

For a sibling

• Happy birthday from Mom’s favorite.
• Thanks for taking the blame that one time. And the other times.
• We share DNA and trauma. Happy birthday.

For milestone birthdays

• 30: Welcome to your thirties, where a good night’s sleep is the new going out.
• 40: Forty is just thirty with better taste and worse knees.
• 50: Half a century of being fabulous. Pace yourself.
• 60 and up: You are not old, you are vintage. Vintage is expensive.

From the whole group

• We all chipped in for this card. Do not ask how much.
• Happy birthday from the group chat that roasts you daily.
• We love you. Most of us signed this willingly.

Pick a card that does half the work

The easiest way to write a funny card is to start with a funny card. Our greeting cards are $6.99, about 3 by 4 inches with a blank back for your own message, and each one comes with a removable crystal penis keepsake (Amethyst, Rose Quartz, Obsidian, Tiger’s Eye and more). The front makes them laugh, you just have to sign it.

Rock Out With Your Cock OutFunny Birthday Card$6.99Big Dick EnergyFunny Adult Birthday Card$6.99I See Dick In Your FutureFunny Adult Party Card$6.99

Three quick rules

• Know your audience. What works for your best friend may not work for your boss.
• Add one real line. A joke plus one honest sentence (“I’m lucky to have you”) hits harder than two jokes.
• Sign it like you mean it. “Love, your favorite” is always allowed.

Need a gift to go with the card? Our guide to funny birthday gifts for your best friend has you covered.